Alienation?

The one place I was always relaxed was there.
The one thing I always looked forward to was that.
The one group of people I always felt I could trust was them.
The one group of people I always felt I could rely on was them.
I always had faith...

I never thought I would feel so outside... so forgotten about...

Disappointedly I was hugged, not warmly as you'd expect from friends... Disappointed it was me they had to hug, before they could get to the people they actually wanted to see... Then grouped together, they engaged inconversation and in- jokes leaving me and the others who hadn't been with them everyday to the side...

They made plans to visit each other, and visit other people, again leaving us to shrug at each other, thinking

"why did we bother, why would we think things would ever be the same?"

Reality hit me, when it was said "You and you have to come and stay with me... and like, others" the last part of which was thrown in after realising there were others sitting with them. I realised after these people being invited into my home, the act was not going to be returned. I was simply going to be invited because I was there at the time, not because I was still part of them...

"It's great the way it all came together in our last year" was the point it really hit home.
I wasn't there, I wasn't there for the new bonding, the new relationships, the new in-jokes, so I had nothing to offer to the group anymore, I had nothing to talk about because they wanted to talk about nothing else...

Then off they went on another little adventure, with a half-hearted invitation thrown my way... but I couldn't do it, feeling enough of a 3rd wheel as it was... What would be the point? I had nothing to gain.. And now, now I'm finding it difficult to talk to anyone of them...

It was the first time I'd ever been home early from town, without being called.



Weeks other news:

• Fell down the stairs, think something in my back is now displaced.

• Angie passed away, miss him so much =,[